CERTIFIED PRICK

Ozempic FaceBecause Looking 20 Lbs Lighter Shouldn’t Mean Looking 20 Years Older

SO YOU JUMPED on the Ozempic train. The weight is falling off faster than your WiFi signal during a storm, and you’re feeling smug… until you catch yourself in the mirror and wonder, “Who’s that melted candle staring back at me?” Congratulations, you’ve met Ozempic Face.

What It Is

“Ozempic Face” isn’t a new skincare trend. It’s the charming nickname for what happens when people lose weight too quickly on semaglutide (that’s the fancy name for Ozempic). The fat leaves your body—but it also leaves your face. Result? Sunken cheeks, loose skin, and a slightly haunted “I haven’t slept since 2008” look.

Why It Matters

Face fat is not just decoration. It keeps you looking plump, youthful, and less like an extra in The Walking Dead. When you drop pounds too quickly, your face loses volume, collagen dips, and gravity pulls no punches. People think you’re sick, stressed, or auditioning for a horror flick, even if you’re just trying to fit into your pre-pandemic jeans.

Ignore It and…

If you think “Ozempic Face” is just a vanity issue—think again. Rapid weight loss can make you look older than your real age, which is tragic if you’ve spent years and thousands on skincare, sunscreens, and collagen powders that taste like chalk. Ignore it, and you risk trading a smaller waistline for an accidental Benjamin Button cosplay.

Life Hacks (AKA Damage Control)

1. Slow the hell down.

Sustainable weight loss is kinder to your face. Fast isn’t always fabulous.

2. Hydrate.

No, iced coffee doesn’t count. Actual water, please.

3. Protein & good fats.

Your face needs building blocks. Starving yourself isn’t skincare.

4. Skincare that works.

Retinoids, sunscreen, moisturizers. Not TikTok hacks involving toothpaste.

5. Medical fixes exist.

Fillers, skin-tightening treatments, thread lifts, facial acupuncture, even a facelift if you’re feeling extra. Just don’t act shocked when it costs more than your Ozempic pen.

Acupuncture Angle

Before you go full Hollywood with fillers, acupuncture is a gentler option. Facial rejuvenation acupuncture stimulates collagen, improves circulation, and gives your skin that “alive” glow. Needles in the right spots can perk you up naturally—no “frozen face,” no balloon lips, just fresher vibes. Think of it as rehab for a face that’s been through the Ozempic rollercoaster.

Local Color

Filipinos are brutal with nicknames. Lose a little face fat and suddenly you’re “Palito”, “Payatot”, “Buto’t Balat,” or worse, “Bangkay”.” Add Ozempic Face to the mix, and you’ll never hear the end of it at the next family reunion. (“Uy, ang payat mo! Pero bakit parang Hagardo Verzosa ka lagi?” Translation: Congratulations, you look thinner, haggard AND older!)

Punchline

Ozempic Face isn’t inevitable—but it’s real. You wanted to lose pounds, not years off your face. If you’re gonna ride the Ozempic wave, at least protect your mug while you do it. Because sure, a slimmer waistline is cute—but so is not looking like a wrinkled balloon.

Till next time. 

–Gwenn The Certified Prick

Still not your doctor. Still telling you the truth anyway.