The Certified Prick

Is Your Blood Type Aging You Faster? Science Says… Maybe.

LET’S START WITH the obvious: most of us blame aging on the usual suspects — stress, sugar, and the cruel passage of time. We moisturize, detox, and pray to the skincare gods. But what if the secret culprit behind your fine lines and fatigue isn’t your lack of sleep… but your blood type?

Yes, darling. That same letter printed on your Red Cross ID may be quietly dictating how fast your cells throw in the towel.

The O-Type Show-Offs

If you’re Type O, congratulations — you might just be nature’s favorite. Studies (the real kind, not TikTok science) show that O’s tend to have:

• Lower risk of heart disease and stroke

• A bit more resistance to certain cancers

• Blood that flows better and clots smarter as you age

Translation? O’s may experience a slower physical decline over time. Your cells basically have a better warranty.

But don’t get cocky, O’s. That “advantage” can vanish faster than your willpower at a buffet if you abuse it with bad habits. Even superior blood can’t outsmart nightly tequila shots, 2 packs if cigarettes a day and three hours of sleep.

A, B, and AB: The Inflammation Nation

Now for the rest of us mere mortals. If your blood type is A, B, or AB, your body might be hosting a little more drama — the kind that happens under the microscope. Research suggests you’re more prone to chronic inflammation, aka the slow burn that accelerates aging, damages cells, and invites every disease to the party.

These types are also slightly more at risk for:

• High blood pressure

• Age-related neurological issues

• The “why does my body hate me” phase of adulthood

But here’s the kicker: you’re not doomed. It just means your body needs a bit more TLC — and less TLC from Food Panda.

Pro tip: focus on anti-inflammatory diets, stress management, and maybe start talking to your liver like it’s your best friend, because you’ll need it to stick around.

Oxidative Stress: The Real Villain Behind Aging

Picture your cells as overworked employees. Every day, free radicals (tiny molecular hooligans) punch them in the face. Over time, this causes oxidative stress — the biological version of burnout.

Turns out, blood type affects how well your body handles that chaos. Some types have stronger antioxidant defenses, meaning their cells age slower and stay snatched longer. Others? Not so lucky. Their cells give up faster than a diet on a Friday night.

Immune response plays a role too. Depending on your blood type, your body might be better — or worse — at fighting off infections and inflammation. In short, your blood type helps decide whether you age like J.Loor like that banana you forgot in the fridge.

Chill, It’s Not All in Your Blood

Before you start demanding a blood transfusion to become Type O, let’s be clear: lifestyle still calls the shots. Your blood type might set the stage, but you decide how tragic or triumphant the show becomes.

So regardless of what letter you bleed, here’s the Certified Prick’s anti-aging gospel:

• Eat like you love yourself. More greens, less grease. Antioxidants are your real besties — berries, green tea, turmeric, and anything that stains your Tupperware.

• Move your ass. Walk, lift, stretch — just don’t let your muscles atrophy into decorative tissue.

• Sleep like it’s sacred. Seven to eight hours, no negotiation.

• Stress less, laugh more. The world’s already chaotic — don’t let your cortisol add to the mess.

• Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Regular checkups are cheaper than medical bills.

Aging gracefully isn’t about expensive serums or genetic luck. It’s about knowing what your body’s made of — literally — and treating it like it deserves a few more birthdays.

So next time you curse your crow’s feet, remember: maybe it’s not just time catching up with you. Maybe it’s your blood type throwing shade.

Either way, live clean, laugh often, and don’t forget — your cells are listening.

—The Certified Prick

The Health Column That Doesn’t Sugarcoat (Unless It’s About Diabetes)